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Dec 11, 2009, 3:34pm

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The Writers Garden :: Poems :: Lyric Poetry :: Life
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AuthorTopic: Life (Read 102 times)
Gaia
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Life
« Thread Started on Apr 6, 2005, 3:55pm »
Swirling Wind,

Chirping Birds,

Sounds indescribable for words,

Sitting lakes,

Rustling trees,

Sweeter honey made from bees,

Soft earth,

Light air,

More beutiful then a chestnut mare,

Golden water,

Fun guests,

More fragile then a birds nest,

God gives us many gifts,

But the gift of life is best.
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Re: Life
« Reply #1 on Apr 6, 2005, 8:45pm »

Quote:

Swirling Wind,

Chirping Birds,

Sounds indescribable for words,


Swirling wind, (No cap)
Chirping birds; (semicolon and no cap)
These are sounds simply indescribable in words. (rewording)

Sitting lakes,
Rustling trees,
And sweet honey made from bees.

Soft earth,
Light air,
Both more beautiful than a chestnut mare. (period and extra word)

Golden water,
Fun guests, (Change this line...It disrupts your flow)
More fragile than a birds nest.

God gifts are all good
But the gift of life
Is definitly the best. (rewording on last three lines)

Okay...I thought that this was okay. I personally dislike rhyming poems, but it was okay. Notice that I changed the wording and seperated it into stanzas. Don't skip lines either. This sounded to me line a list of thoughts instead of a poem. It didn't touch my emotions at all. I would make it more personal and have it include emotions for the reader.
« Last Edit: Apr 6, 2005, 8:46pm by Nikki »Link to Post - Back to Top  IP: Logged
-Nikki
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